Deep Winter Blues....

Hello,

This is that turning point in the winter months when the darkness seems to stay too long and the funks hang around too much. Today, was the first time I actually felt the sun on my face; just enjoying the feeling of having the heat touch my skin.  I closed my eyes and faced the sun and it felt brand new.

I have bags.
I have baggage.
I often go through my bags.
They are full of items from my past.
 I touch those items to feel the memory of that time or place.

I'm very much ready for winter to be over. I"m just over it. The cold is too much for me. I'm tired of my joints hurting, my back hurting, feeling like the heat is being sucked from my body.

I watched a very interesting movie last night called the Gates of Hell. It won an Oscar for best foreign film back in the 50's. If you get chance, you should watch it.

xoxo,
~K

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

My household has it.  My father is still struggles with aging and having Cancer and all that comes with it. My mother is healing from surgery and is not feeling much like herself. I, honestly, feel like I am stuck in rut helping to care for both of my parents and the house. Just run down...

I'm not painting or writing as much I as should/need to be...no social life. My mental and physical health are suffering as a result. I've been trying to re think what I do in my art and how I express myself. Of course, it doesn't help that I have aggravated an injury in my right hand. I haven't had hand cramps this bad since my art school days. The injury is such that I have a hard time gripping things/ holding onto things. Very annoying.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

This is the year I learn to blog better. To keep a better journal of me.

This morning I tried oil pulling for the third time. I think I did it for long enough. We will see if I start to feel better or how my health changes as I continue on. I’ve been taking multivitamins too. Trying to keep my hair and skin hydrated in the cold weather has been a challenge but I’m doing it.

I got a new phone on my Mom’s family plan. It is the Nokia Lumia (not the newest one). We upgraded her phone too. She said she wanted to hip and more with it. She held onto her Motorola Razr for longtime. 

My mother is healing well. The doctor said she should be ready for work by Feb. 1st. My Dad seems more depressed. It could be weather related. He likes to be outside, but it is far too cold for him to be outdoors for too long. We do our best to keep his spirits up.

In my dreams, recently, I’ve been doing a lot painting and animating. Perhaps my subconscious is telling me I need to do more projects, or commit myself to more projects. 

I need to post more pictures and maybe a video or two.

---------------

 If I don’t get more info regarding my medical insurance this week, I’ll have to call someone…

If the hold on my bank account isn’t lifted soon, I’m going to have to call. Have an idea as to why things are moving so slow and I’m like, “REALLY?!” This is year is starting out ridiculously. My life is so farcical sometimes. 

I had a killer migraine earlier. I could bare see straight and wanted to go right to bed. I took two tylenol and the pain went away, but I still felt gross.

I have chronic illnesses, but I normally don’t just get “sick” and I certainly never look sick. So, when I am sick people think I’m being melodramatic and stuff. Luckily, my family knows better. Then kinda freak out whenever I complain about headpain or any type of aches.

So, tonight I can’t really sleep simply because I have too much on my mind. Things are not clear.

----------------

I try not to expose myself to things/situations that don’t help me grow as an artist or a person. But I do have a few TV guilty pleasures. Shahs of Sunset is one of them.  I don’t know where Bravo finds the folks for any of their shows, but this bunch of people are some of the most extreme. I love learning about the people and how they go on about their lives.

Asa is probably my favorite. Her mystical/magical self is great. Also like Reza and his moustache. Anyway, Asa has her diamond water and her visual art and her music and has been dating a Jackson. Super stuff.

After last night episode, I am seriously wondering what is that Mike thinks Reza did that stabbed him in the back. I don’t mean the whole attacking Sasha thing. Mike was awesome for standing up for/with Sasha when Reza just lost his shit. Yeah, I want more info about why Mike is so angry at Reza.

Watching paint dry....

Watching paint dry....

And I don’t mean in the artistic sense.

It is very difficult watching your parents age. Their memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. They are no longer able to do the things the once did with ease. Physical changes in the body can be devastating (especially if there is a disease involved).  

Being the child watching is traumatic enough, but I wonder how it feels to actually live through those changes. Is it like going back in time to a point when you need help for everything?

As my father continues to survive cancer, his short term memory gets worse from the chemo. His body is so frail. He sleeps most of the day. These winter months are just debilitating. 

I am just thankful I am able to have him in my life right now and that I can be here to help as much as I can.

Can I catch a break...seriously...

Hello,

Some of this post, I posted from my Art blog...

Art is life. Art is boom. Live the Art.

These are all things Artists (successful Artists) say to those of us struggling in the muck of our creative juices and impulses. “If you aren’t living and breathing your art, then you are not a true Artists.” Unfortunately, in this economy, it is hard to “live and breathe”‘  that Art when you have bills to pay and be accountable too.  You don’t want to just do things for the money, but society is truly set up  to kill the creative spirit. That is how I’ve been feeling lately.

I don’t know if  I mentioned this before, but my mom had surgery recently. She is recovering..luckily my sister was able to take some time off to help. But for the past week, it has been me with both parents and it can get very frustrating and stressful. Considering my own back and stress issues….yeah.   Finding the energy and will to complete projects is difficult. Finding the time to really flesh all I want to flesh out is just vexing.

I've been really stressing out since my bank has frozen my account over an overdue bill. I really have no way of paying that much right now and I just need a break either some more people donating to my gofundme page or buying my jewelry and paintings. I know that everyone is hurting all over the world, but this is really disastrous for me.  My family can only support me so much and as long as I don't have the funds for this one larger bill, my smaller bills I can keep up with are falling behind. This is not a good look. So if anyone sees this and can help out, I'd really appreciate it.

xoxo

Brief Update.

Hello,

I posted this to my Tumblr too....just fyi:

So,  it has been a week since my Mom's knee replacement surgery. She is healing well but being impossible. She doesn't like the pain and discomfort even with the pain meds, but she also doesn't like how the pain meds make her groggy and sleepy. Thus she is being difficult about taking her pain meds. Thank Goddess my sister is here to help out.

My sis stayed with my mom while she was in the hospital while I took care of Dad at home. Now we are all in the house and it is exhausting between dealing with my Mom and Dad. But we are holding it down, keeping it going. The stress is physically painful for me but I am managing..

I haven't had much time to myself to think about things or create work. 

Last night, we had Chinese takeout. My fortunate cookie read Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.  What the hell kinda of fortune is that. 

I need to take three Aleve a day, at once to get any pain relief.

The Rain is Staying...

Well, fall is making it's presences known.
It has been very cool and damp for many days.
I've been taking it easy, trying not to stress to much about life.

This is my dog, Peppi.

We got him at the animal shelter and he is the best furbaby! I truly love him to pieces.
He is so full of life and personality. Anyways, with this chilly weather he has to wear sweaters and such and he is quite cute.

I've been painting sunny landscapes of late. Here are two of those:

I have a thing for green fields, hills, and mountains. I like playing with a sense of movement and journey...or something like that.

My feet are the root, they keep me grounded. They move me. 

~K

Crazy Dreams are Crazy!

Hello,

Oh the weird dreams I have been having lately.
They have involved zombies,wild animals in my backyard, crazy adventures.

The weather of late has been quite chilly, but very fall like. It is supposed to be rainy for the next two days or so. I was able to get a nice sweat jacket with a hood as well as pair leisure pants...ya know, for lounging.

What should I have lunch?

Could use a stiff drink

Hello,

Today was not a great day. In fact, the my days seem to get worse with a cooling weather. I was very sluggish and lethargic. I don't feel very much like myself as well as not liking myself.

I've been angry a lot recently. It is because of my unspeakable secret. It just looms over me. I'm  in so deep, but I just need a lucky break....

I got a letter from on of my creditors. The one I owe the most too (and it is biggie!)
They want to garnish my non existent wages. They claim to have contacted my employer and know that I am gainfully employed. I'd like to know who this employer is....
This letter was in all caps too. Like, really...trust if I had a nice paying job, that bill would have been taken care of. All my creditors seem to think I'm some old white dude hiding funds in the Cayman's or something. I wish! Nope, I am very much broke and I hate having to think about that. Thank goodness I have a supportive family who won't let me suffer in the cold.

They believe in me, so  suppose, I should believe in me too...but it is hard in this society.   fear another creditor may try to take my old ass car. Like, that is gonna help my situation.
I've always had an issue with finance, when I was going into college I wasn't as savvy as some folks and now my life is a mess.

My mother wanted to know if I was taking anything for my thyroid condition (the fact that it was irradiated many moons ago). I told her I am taking a supplement, but without insurance, I am not taking an "medication" for it. Sucks to be me. She commented that I seem so angry. I'm angry because I am anxiously awaiting the other shit storm/shoe to drop regarding my lack of money. I pray on it everyday, for some sort of relief...but time is running short. No options are left, really...

I am hoping for ACA to become available in October so I can at least get some health care. I can't remember the last time I saw a doctor. I probably dying of some disease and don't know it.

So, yeah..my life is sucking. I have a hard time creating.
I'm always angry and sad.....
and I could use a stiff drink.

~K

Harvest Moon, September, Time for a Change

I have one too many blogs.

I still like this blog and I want to do something interesting with it.
So, I've decided I'm going to be making some changes in my life and I will chronicle them here.

I will post about my feelings, my body, my soul, my life.
The good, the bad, the ugly. Why?...why not!?

Seriously, I made this decision because I have a lot to tell about my life and maybe some one will find my blog interesting and comforting and funny and sad. It is real, it is life. You don't find too many older bloggers that just blog about what it is like being a person approaching midlife and still not feeling settled. Or how to live with and deal with aging parents, and chronic illness...

About me, I am a black woman.
I am a daughter.
I am an Artist.
I am a Storyteller.

Glad to share myself with you.

Happy New Year

Well, Hello!!!
Happy New Year!
Happy 2013!!

Time to embark on a new adventure, head down a new path.
But what do you do when a familiar face or two keep peeking from around the trees,
whispering to you through the reeds?
You know the voice all too well.
There is a hint of temptation, contemplation.

This is the year to make it so.
To ascend and go higher than ever before.
Grab your magic camper and get ready for the ride.

Be bold.
Be alive!

xoxo,
~K

I wish I had wings...

Hello Friends,

Today was going really great and then.....
Later in the week, I'm attending a Christmas party. This party is being thrown by a family member's place of work.
Naturally, I start to try and figure out what to wear.

and then I remember I am probably too big for most of the outfits I think would be cute.
My breast are on the verge of being out of control big; my hips and thighs pulled  sneak attack...let us not even discuss my "Buddha" belly.

I hate how my body is changing in ways I can't control.
I hate this world and it takes pleasure in making me feel like shit for how body naturally is.
I hate that I have outfits I wanted and now can't because my hormones refuse to cooperate.
Hell, I hate that I am not in my 20s anymore. I hate how I didn't realize how beautiful I was in my 20s.

I feel so unworthy of anything: of love, of life, of peace, of happiness.

Gosh...
today was going so well...and then..

I should get to bed but I'm too upset to relax and sleep.

xoxo,
K

Body Image Melt Down...

Hola Persons!

Oh, it has been a rough week or so.
The holidays were lovely. Being with my family was sweet; it was swell.

But the meltdown has started. Meltdown, breakdown...whatever...
I shall forever regret the day I replaced those scale batteries.
Damn It!

I am on tumblr a lot these days. And following in one of my favorite blogger's footsteps let me just say I am coming out....coming out as fat!

I mean, I've always been a bigger girl. I didn't appreciate my body enough in my early 20's when I was a wonderful 150lbs. That would be dream today. I got a thyroid illness and slowly but surely ballooned up to 200lbs (it took a while because throughout my 20's I was fairly active). I went to Japan, dropped some weight..because depressed and had to come home...and gained that weight back plus more...was ill/depressed started loosing again..praying I would get back down to 200lbs (oh, I'd give anything to be that size again) only start gaining weight again..
In anycase, by the end of Thanksgiving this year I was topping at just a hint over 250lbs.
I felt like dying. My body had betrayed me. It happens to women in my family..we hit a certain age and all hell breaks loose. I thought by not having kids I would delay the weight creep...but no.

I don't date because I don't feel I am worth it. Plus I can be a handful.  A person can only deal with rejection so many times before you just quit.

I wish I could be 10 years younger. I'd know to really appreciate those years and my beauty. I would believe in myself more. Have better friends..instead of pandering to a people who never wanted to know who I really was.

So yeah, I am feeling extra sad and extra fat. Extra unaccomplished. I just keep running as fast again and I get nowhere fast. Perhaps it is time for yet another reboot...

It has been so long....

Hi.
I should keep in touch better. Sometimes, I don't know what to say....
These past couple of months have been uneventful.
Perhaps stuck in a rut, maybe a little depressed.

Somedays, the colors of life don't seem so vibrant.
The same thing day in and day out.
I could use a pleasant adventure, something fun and beautiful.
An adventure full of good feelings and making the world brighter.

Somedays, I wish  could fall down a rabbit hole and be a whole new world.
Or maybe a magic doorway to a fantasyland.
Escape. Joyful escape.

I want to keep in touch more.
I vow to do my best to write more. I have lots to share....

XOXO,
K

Remarkably Unremarkable...

Hello Friends,

How have you been? Has life been treating you kindly? Are you kind to yourself?...
My life has been up and down. I have been up and down (and not in the good way).

For the past few weeks, I've been struggling to be heard.

I've been feeling invisible; invisible and vulnerable.

Making a living as professional Artist is very difficult but the

rewards can be great. Sometimes, I just want to give up.

I do believe I can live this dream. My dream can be my reality.

Weekend Durp!

I wanted to post something smart and sassy; sexy and witty.

But I've got nothing.

Today's fortune stick says: You will have  success in music or the stage.

I'm watching a movie with Eric Balfour in it.

That is a very attractive man. 

Anywho,  I love dancing.

Dancing on a cool night with nice breeze to lovely beats.

Dancing alone, like no one is watching just you and universe.

Mixing different styles....just a joy about life.

That is dancing: joy of life.

Been a little frustrated by life.

I started gaining weight back. So, I gotta cut back on my soda and candy intake.

But I love sugary drinks!!!

So, who will teach me how to twerk.....

Sex is not a performance....

I found this on tumblr. I'm not sure where the original is from, but I thought it was beautiful and wanted to share it here.

"Sex is not a goddamn performance.

Sex should feel as natural as drinking water.

It should not require confidence.

Sex should happen, because the moment is ripe.

Ripening lips, ripening labia, ripening cock, ripening pupils, ripening state of being. Ripe and augmented and brimming. Your energy goes to your pumping heart, then to every external nerve, then to theirs, on fire.

You bask, roll, play in it. You sigh, moan, laugh.

It’s not about being “good in bed.”

It’s about being happy.

One should never worry if they’re doing it “correctly.” Sex is not factual. I don’t want your cookie-cutter sex, I don’t want your meticulously crafted, calculated, fool-proof fuck. I don’t want a show. I want you. Let your instincts, urges and whims define that. It’s enough.

What do most girls like? Forget about it. Statistics are meaningless when there’s only one. Hello, here’s me. Here’s you.

Don’t worry about taking it too slow. We got time. We got infinite rhythms, combinations, possibilities. Explore each fuck. Take our time. We can do a different one later.

Don’t worry about making me come. I’m here. Right where I want to be.

I am overwhelmed by wanting; you don’t have to convince me. I want you because I like you. So don’t put on a front. Don’t taint this.

I’m frustrated—it’s just authenticity I want.

It’s originality.

It’s passion.

It’s joy.

Don’t say that something I like is ugly. Don’t compare yourself to the rest. You will live and die with and within your experiences like everyone else. If someone thinks you are amazing, they are not wrong. Their universe is as real as any other; it is forged through perception.

I don’t care if you accidentally slammed my head into the wall, if you slipped out, if my arm cracked, if the delightful pressure of your wet lips on my anything made a silly sound. There is no right way and no wrong way.

“Good in bed,” what.

You’re good in my bed. I’m pleased you’re there. I feel it suits you.

Shove your technique. Let your memory swallow it. Fuck me like you’d fuck me, fuck me like you feel.

This isn’t a test.

"


(source: nickolaiolivier )

Re-Evaluate

I've been away.
Spending time outdoors, spending time with  my family.
I don't really know who I am anymore.
I don't know where I fit in, what I am doing...

I don't feel any joy in life or living.
I have a fire that is just a flick of flame; I can't feel any heat or passion.

I need to have that pulse of life again

Karmie needs her groove back.

I need to find my groove again.
That groove I had before I left for Japan.
I gotta find my sexy again.

To be honest, living in Japan as a single black woman really sucks the sexy and beauty out of you. I will say a lot may have to do with where I was living and the type of people and the environment I lived in. The people and community was very nice, very "country."  Single, available men were hard to come by. Most men acted like giggly school kids when confronted or at seeing any type of foreign woman, but especially a black, western woman. So making a personal connection was difficult. Of course there were foreign men, but they either preferred attempting to date Japanese woman or they were already in relationships and such.

Since I've been home, I've gained some weight. But I've started to get back down to my "fighting" weight (my sexy weight...where I am most comfortable in my skin). Which is cool.

OK! So, where does one go to get her groove back?
Who do I turn to??

I watched to latest episode of "Girls" on HBO the other night and found it very amusing.
I really need a steady friend and some one on one TLC....pampering.


xoxo

Thick Thighs

Meet my thighs.

I love the weight of my thighs.

I enjoy having meaty thighs.

I find it hard to have sexy legs if you don't have thighs of substance.

I love it when someone I'm into touches my thighs.

Caressing my thighs is definitely a way to turn me on.

xoxo