Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

My household has it.  My father is still struggles with aging and having Cancer and all that comes with it. My mother is healing from surgery and is not feeling much like herself. I, honestly, feel like I am stuck in rut helping to care for both of my parents and the house. Just run down...

I'm not painting or writing as much I as should/need to be...no social life. My mental and physical health are suffering as a result. I've been trying to re think what I do in my art and how I express myself. Of course, it doesn't help that I have aggravated an injury in my right hand. I haven't had hand cramps this bad since my art school days. The injury is such that I have a hard time gripping things/ holding onto things. Very annoying.

Could use a stiff drink

Hello,

Today was not a great day. In fact, the my days seem to get worse with a cooling weather. I was very sluggish and lethargic. I don't feel very much like myself as well as not liking myself.

I've been angry a lot recently. It is because of my unspeakable secret. It just looms over me. I'm  in so deep, but I just need a lucky break....

I got a letter from on of my creditors. The one I owe the most too (and it is biggie!)
They want to garnish my non existent wages. They claim to have contacted my employer and know that I am gainfully employed. I'd like to know who this employer is....
This letter was in all caps too. Like, really...trust if I had a nice paying job, that bill would have been taken care of. All my creditors seem to think I'm some old white dude hiding funds in the Cayman's or something. I wish! Nope, I am very much broke and I hate having to think about that. Thank goodness I have a supportive family who won't let me suffer in the cold.

They believe in me, so  suppose, I should believe in me too...but it is hard in this society.   fear another creditor may try to take my old ass car. Like, that is gonna help my situation.
I've always had an issue with finance, when I was going into college I wasn't as savvy as some folks and now my life is a mess.

My mother wanted to know if I was taking anything for my thyroid condition (the fact that it was irradiated many moons ago). I told her I am taking a supplement, but without insurance, I am not taking an "medication" for it. Sucks to be me. She commented that I seem so angry. I'm angry because I am anxiously awaiting the other shit storm/shoe to drop regarding my lack of money. I pray on it everyday, for some sort of relief...but time is running short. No options are left, really...

I am hoping for ACA to become available in October so I can at least get some health care. I can't remember the last time I saw a doctor. I probably dying of some disease and don't know it.

So, yeah..my life is sucking. I have a hard time creating.
I'm always angry and sad.....
and I could use a stiff drink.

~K

I wish I had wings...

Hello Friends,

Today was going really great and then.....
Later in the week, I'm attending a Christmas party. This party is being thrown by a family member's place of work.
Naturally, I start to try and figure out what to wear.

and then I remember I am probably too big for most of the outfits I think would be cute.
My breast are on the verge of being out of control big; my hips and thighs pulled  sneak attack...let us not even discuss my "Buddha" belly.

I hate how my body is changing in ways I can't control.
I hate this world and it takes pleasure in making me feel like shit for how body naturally is.
I hate that I have outfits I wanted and now can't because my hormones refuse to cooperate.
Hell, I hate that I am not in my 20s anymore. I hate how I didn't realize how beautiful I was in my 20s.

I feel so unworthy of anything: of love, of life, of peace, of happiness.

Gosh...
today was going so well...and then..

I should get to bed but I'm too upset to relax and sleep.

xoxo,
K