Feeling a little blue...

Hello,

I know I wait so long to post again.
Not that my life is so interesting, sometimes I just don't know what to say.

It is a New Year, which means it is time for a fresh perspective.
I work very hard to stay positive. Keeping my chin up when I want to crawl into a hole
and die.

I want my free spirit back.
I want to be in that happy place where I felt good about things.
I'm tired of always thinking about despair.

Let me be surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful things,
warm hearts and kind words.

I will repair my damaged wings and take flight and soar above it all.

This is my body.

The container for my soul.

It carries my heart,

It carries my spirit.

It is solid but easily broken.

I have lived in this place for many years,

I hope to live in here for many more.

We have been through a lot together,

and I cherish and relish this earthly vessel.

It has served me well,

we will survive.

My body is beautiful,

it is mine.

It is fine.

xoxo,

~K

Body Image Melt Down...

Hola Persons!

Oh, it has been a rough week or so.
The holidays were lovely. Being with my family was sweet; it was swell.

But the meltdown has started. Meltdown, breakdown...whatever...
I shall forever regret the day I replaced those scale batteries.
Damn It!

I am on tumblr a lot these days. And following in one of my favorite blogger's footsteps let me just say I am coming out....coming out as fat!

I mean, I've always been a bigger girl. I didn't appreciate my body enough in my early 20's when I was a wonderful 150lbs. That would be dream today. I got a thyroid illness and slowly but surely ballooned up to 200lbs (it took a while because throughout my 20's I was fairly active). I went to Japan, dropped some weight..because depressed and had to come home...and gained that weight back plus more...was ill/depressed started loosing again..praying I would get back down to 200lbs (oh, I'd give anything to be that size again) only start gaining weight again..
In anycase, by the end of Thanksgiving this year I was topping at just a hint over 250lbs.
I felt like dying. My body had betrayed me. It happens to women in my family..we hit a certain age and all hell breaks loose. I thought by not having kids I would delay the weight creep...but no.

I don't date because I don't feel I am worth it. Plus I can be a handful.  A person can only deal with rejection so many times before you just quit.

I wish I could be 10 years younger. I'd know to really appreciate those years and my beauty. I would believe in myself more. Have better friends..instead of pandering to a people who never wanted to know who I really was.

So yeah, I am feeling extra sad and extra fat. Extra unaccomplished. I just keep running as fast again and I get nowhere fast. Perhaps it is time for yet another reboot...