Wanting...

I think for most hetero-men...

It is different when she wants it.
It is different when she aggressively pursues him.
It is different when she seduces.

Not all men can handle that.
Or maybe it only the "boys" that cannot handle it.
That female sexual appetite that knows what she wants.
That female sexual appetite that wants to devour, consume a man.
She who won't conform to some patriarchal or misogynistic notion of what
female sexuality should be.

...They don't really like that or don't know how to respond to it

Karmie needs her groove back.

I need to find my groove again.
That groove I had before I left for Japan.
I gotta find my sexy again.

To be honest, living in Japan as a single black woman really sucks the sexy and beauty out of you. I will say a lot may have to do with where I was living and the type of people and the environment I lived in. The people and community was very nice, very "country."  Single, available men were hard to come by. Most men acted like giggly school kids when confronted or at seeing any type of foreign woman, but especially a black, western woman. So making a personal connection was difficult. Of course there were foreign men, but they either preferred attempting to date Japanese woman or they were already in relationships and such.

Since I've been home, I've gained some weight. But I've started to get back down to my "fighting" weight (my sexy weight...where I am most comfortable in my skin). Which is cool.

OK! So, where does one go to get her groove back?
Who do I turn to??

I watched to latest episode of "Girls" on HBO the other night and found it very amusing.
I really need a steady friend and some one on one TLC....pampering.


xoxo

A woman is a woman and a man is a man

I've been here, in Japan, for a year.
Another year of voluntary celibacy.
Actually, I don't know if it is voluntary...well, yes it is.

I miss the physical contact.
I have never had the emotional connection. There is no telling if I ever will.
Men today don't seem to interested in that or in me.
I am still that "fetish." You know the one: the black woman.
I'm not the woman that men are attracted to, I'm the black woman that would be a great story to tell or the notch on the bed post, the mark in the book.

Especially here.
Well, not especially here.
Most Japanese men are interested in talking with me, but not much else.
The one guy I am interested in is very.....stand-offish.
At one point, he did seem interested but something changed.
Perhaps the reality of things.

The reality of two bodies merging, the reality of the emotions involved, the reality of wanting more.

Japanese men are a curious bunch.
If you were to google "hot Japanese guys", you would get a lot of gay porn.
It describes them as "young, boyish, slender." Funny that is how hetero porn describes Japanese women.."young, girlish, slender." Like they are for fantasy and fun. Like they are fulfilling a damn dream.

No, no, no...I want a rough and tumble Japanese man.
Or a least a Japanese man that isn't afraid to go after what he wants. He is aggressive, not timid.
I figure (or figured) that if a guy was interested he would let it be known. Not play this game of cat and mouse. Take a chance and through caution to the wind.

But in the end, I think, it boils down to me.
There is this "thing" about me...
no one has ever explained me...what it is that men find so...intimidating, so...off-putting.

I miss those situations where I don't have to worry.
I need to lose myself in the moment again, if I can ever have that moment again.