I wish I had wings...

Hello Friends,

Today was going really great and then.....
Later in the week, I'm attending a Christmas party. This party is being thrown by a family member's place of work.
Naturally, I start to try and figure out what to wear.

and then I remember I am probably too big for most of the outfits I think would be cute.
My breast are on the verge of being out of control big; my hips and thighs pulled  sneak attack...let us not even discuss my "Buddha" belly.

I hate how my body is changing in ways I can't control.
I hate this world and it takes pleasure in making me feel like shit for how body naturally is.
I hate that I have outfits I wanted and now can't because my hormones refuse to cooperate.
Hell, I hate that I am not in my 20s anymore. I hate how I didn't realize how beautiful I was in my 20s.

I feel so unworthy of anything: of love, of life, of peace, of happiness.

Gosh...
today was going so well...and then..

I should get to bed but I'm too upset to relax and sleep.

xoxo,
K

Radical Self-Love

Hello Again!
Thanks for sticking with me.

Lately, I've always thought that I had a stone cold heart.
I tried to go it alone; be that loner soul. Above the fray of need.

But, tonight, I realized that I don't have a cold heart.
I am full of love. I wear my heart on the outside.
I am very sensitive. I need to be loved and to give love.

So, I am posting this pic in honor of myself.
I need to love myself more and see me for the wonderfully person I am.

with love,

xoxo

Body Image Melt Down...

Hola Persons!

Oh, it has been a rough week or so.
The holidays were lovely. Being with my family was sweet; it was swell.

But the meltdown has started. Meltdown, breakdown...whatever...
I shall forever regret the day I replaced those scale batteries.
Damn It!

I am on tumblr a lot these days. And following in one of my favorite blogger's footsteps let me just say I am coming out....coming out as fat!

I mean, I've always been a bigger girl. I didn't appreciate my body enough in my early 20's when I was a wonderful 150lbs. That would be dream today. I got a thyroid illness and slowly but surely ballooned up to 200lbs (it took a while because throughout my 20's I was fairly active). I went to Japan, dropped some weight..because depressed and had to come home...and gained that weight back plus more...was ill/depressed started loosing again..praying I would get back down to 200lbs (oh, I'd give anything to be that size again) only start gaining weight again..
In anycase, by the end of Thanksgiving this year I was topping at just a hint over 250lbs.
I felt like dying. My body had betrayed me. It happens to women in my family..we hit a certain age and all hell breaks loose. I thought by not having kids I would delay the weight creep...but no.

I don't date because I don't feel I am worth it. Plus I can be a handful.  A person can only deal with rejection so many times before you just quit.

I wish I could be 10 years younger. I'd know to really appreciate those years and my beauty. I would believe in myself more. Have better friends..instead of pandering to a people who never wanted to know who I really was.

So yeah, I am feeling extra sad and extra fat. Extra unaccomplished. I just keep running as fast again and I get nowhere fast. Perhaps it is time for yet another reboot...

Holiday

Hello.

Today was an easy, breezy day.
I recently did some small shopping.  I needed a new nighty and a nice bed robe....an animal print slippers.

My newest obsession are tobacco free electronic hookahs/cigarettes.
I bought my first one in Japan. I'm trying to develop an oral fixation or something.

I haven't had anymore crazy sex dreams about Benedict Cumberbatch and John C. Reilly (that was weird). I still think there was another person in that dream, but who...I'm not really sure.

I need to do more risque photos...don't I?

XOXO

It has been so long....

Hi.
I should keep in touch better. Sometimes, I don't know what to say....
These past couple of months have been uneventful.
Perhaps stuck in a rut, maybe a little depressed.

Somedays, the colors of life don't seem so vibrant.
The same thing day in and day out.
I could use a pleasant adventure, something fun and beautiful.
An adventure full of good feelings and making the world brighter.

Somedays, I wish  could fall down a rabbit hole and be a whole new world.
Or maybe a magic doorway to a fantasyland.
Escape. Joyful escape.

I want to keep in touch more.
I vow to do my best to write more. I have lots to share....

XOXO,
K

Joyful Noise

A babbling brook,
Your favorite song,
Birds in the morning,
Crickets at night.
The voice of your sweetheart,

The beat of your heart.

Remarkably Unremarkable...

Hello Friends,

How have you been? Has life been treating you kindly? Are you kind to yourself?...
My life has been up and down. I have been up and down (and not in the good way).

For the past few weeks, I've been struggling to be heard.

I've been feeling invisible; invisible and vulnerable.

Making a living as professional Artist is very difficult but the

rewards can be great. Sometimes, I just want to give up.

I do believe I can live this dream. My dream can be my reality.

Cleavage...with a heart

Hello, Hello!

I haven't posted in a while.

I hope you can forgive me.

Aaahhh...the summer is coming to an end.

It was uneventful.

Perhaps I should have one last hoorah!

Am I looking for love? Not sure anymore....

Most people can't get past my bust size.

I am more than just a massive pair of knockers....

but they are pretty great:

xoxo

My burning heart...

My burning heart smolders.
The heat radiates through my body.
The light pulses like a disco strobe.

My passion dances to the beat of an unknown drum.
My lust, my love twirls around.

Heady and sugary scents fill the room.
Intoxicating.

Weekend Durp!

I wanted to post something smart and sassy; sexy and witty.

But I've got nothing.

Today's fortune stick says: You will have  success in music or the stage.

I'm watching a movie with Eric Balfour in it.

That is a very attractive man. 

Anywho,  I love dancing.

Dancing on a cool night with nice breeze to lovely beats.

Dancing alone, like no one is watching just you and universe.

Mixing different styles....just a joy about life.

That is dancing: joy of life.

Been a little frustrated by life.

I started gaining weight back. So, I gotta cut back on my soda and candy intake.

But I love sugary drinks!!!

So, who will teach me how to twerk.....

Sex is not a performance....

I found this on tumblr. I'm not sure where the original is from, but I thought it was beautiful and wanted to share it here.

"Sex is not a goddamn performance.

Sex should feel as natural as drinking water.

It should not require confidence.

Sex should happen, because the moment is ripe.

Ripening lips, ripening labia, ripening cock, ripening pupils, ripening state of being. Ripe and augmented and brimming. Your energy goes to your pumping heart, then to every external nerve, then to theirs, on fire.

You bask, roll, play in it. You sigh, moan, laugh.

It’s not about being “good in bed.”

It’s about being happy.

One should never worry if they’re doing it “correctly.” Sex is not factual. I don’t want your cookie-cutter sex, I don’t want your meticulously crafted, calculated, fool-proof fuck. I don’t want a show. I want you. Let your instincts, urges and whims define that. It’s enough.

What do most girls like? Forget about it. Statistics are meaningless when there’s only one. Hello, here’s me. Here’s you.

Don’t worry about taking it too slow. We got time. We got infinite rhythms, combinations, possibilities. Explore each fuck. Take our time. We can do a different one later.

Don’t worry about making me come. I’m here. Right where I want to be.

I am overwhelmed by wanting; you don’t have to convince me. I want you because I like you. So don’t put on a front. Don’t taint this.

I’m frustrated—it’s just authenticity I want.

It’s originality.

It’s passion.

It’s joy.

Don’t say that something I like is ugly. Don’t compare yourself to the rest. You will live and die with and within your experiences like everyone else. If someone thinks you are amazing, they are not wrong. Their universe is as real as any other; it is forged through perception.

I don’t care if you accidentally slammed my head into the wall, if you slipped out, if my arm cracked, if the delightful pressure of your wet lips on my anything made a silly sound. There is no right way and no wrong way.

“Good in bed,” what.

You’re good in my bed. I’m pleased you’re there. I feel it suits you.

Shove your technique. Let your memory swallow it. Fuck me like you’d fuck me, fuck me like you feel.

This isn’t a test.

"


(source: nickolaiolivier )

Hot and Moist

Orchid panties, purple top.
Brown skin....say what??....
It is hot outside.
hot and moist.

What is lady supposed to do?!

Re-Evaluate

I've been away.
Spending time outdoors, spending time with  my family.
I don't really know who I am anymore.
I don't know where I fit in, what I am doing...

I don't feel any joy in life or living.
I have a fire that is just a flick of flame; I can't feel any heat or passion.

I need to have that pulse of life again

Rawr...Super Chunk!

Arrggghhh!!!
I'm so frustrated.
When I first got home from Japan, I was within my "regular" size.
Pleasantly plump, curves in all the right places.

Then two months of being ill and eating "American" style, I packed on the pounds.
Now, since the New Year I've lost about 15lbs. Not bad, but I got a ways to go.
I wouldn't mind so much, but I have a few dresses that I bought when I was smaller and I want to wear them. The problem area(s): my mid section and my breast. My ass is bigger too! I guess I'm kinda lucky that when I gain weight it is evenly distributed everywhere.
But still.....arrrggghhh!

Tie me up, Tie me down...

Hi Hi!

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of chatter about a book called 50 Shades of Gray. Some people say it is a Twilight fan-fiction that has bondage. A lot of people are saying it is poorly written and can't understand why it is so popular. I haven't read the book nor do I plan to.

I have read novels that feature BDSM from Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty Series and Patti Davis' Bondage. Those are some books I would recommend.

I haven't read a good, cheap, trashy novel in ages.
I remember reading Exit to Eden. That was  good read, but terrible movie.

So, I've been thinking about fairy tales that you could turn into a really good erotic story.
My favorite fairy tale is Alice in Wonderland. Or what about Snow White. How about stories that are not fairytales...like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Yeah, I'm just rambling now...just following a stream of thought.

xoxo

What does your Lover's Card say?

I got this a couple of years ago in Japan when I went to the Kanamara Festival. It is one of many penis festivals in Japan. I never made it to the Breast or Coochie festivals (there are a few of those). There are many festivals devoted to the penis, but very few devoted to tits and pussies. All these festivals are for fertility and such. So, take note about what positions are good for what days. Monday looks like fun!

In other news, I'm in search of more glass dildos. Right now, I only have one ( I did have three but two have gone missing). I really enjoy the look and feel of glass dildos plus they are really pretty.

xoxo

Wanting...

I think for most hetero-men...

It is different when she wants it.
It is different when she aggressively pursues him.
It is different when she seduces.

Not all men can handle that.
Or maybe it only the "boys" that cannot handle it.
That female sexual appetite that knows what she wants.
That female sexual appetite that wants to devour, consume a man.
She who won't conform to some patriarchal or misogynistic notion of what
female sexuality should be.

...They don't really like that or don't know how to respond to it

The Scent of Amber

I love perfume.
I heady, "oriental" type perfumes and such.
Samsara, Casmir, Shanghai...these are some of my favorites.
Vanilla! I love the smell of vanilla.
And cocoa.
Jasmine is another wonderful scent.
I just ordered some amber oil. I know it isn't actually amber, but that is what they call this particular scent.

Two of my summer shoes have arrived.
I'm waiting for my order from Fredericks. My third Dream corset (in Spearmint) and pair of slip on mules in black.

Fireworks

Who doesn't love beautiful fireworks. Brightly colored explosions of fire. I need more fireworks.

This week has turned quite lovely outdoors. I still haven't started my garden. It was going to be a penis garden but then I decided maybe I need to make a vulva garden. I got the idea after seeing a picture of a platter of cupcakes, each cupcake was decorated to look like vulva. It was the most awesome thing I had seen. My garden would be like celebration of female sexuality or my sexuality or sensuality or something. A painting of vulva garden...but I do have lots of clay waiting to  used for a sculpture.  Or have a mixed garden of penises and vulvas...some breasts and butts too. 

I always play myself when I order lotion from Avon.

This time I ordered Banana and Coconut Milk lotion. There is another scent in that lotion that I can't make out...

I'm going to buy something sweet now.

It is necessary...in a way.

xoxo

Karmie needs her groove back.

I need to find my groove again.
That groove I had before I left for Japan.
I gotta find my sexy again.

To be honest, living in Japan as a single black woman really sucks the sexy and beauty out of you. I will say a lot may have to do with where I was living and the type of people and the environment I lived in. The people and community was very nice, very "country."  Single, available men were hard to come by. Most men acted like giggly school kids when confronted or at seeing any type of foreign woman, but especially a black, western woman. So making a personal connection was difficult. Of course there were foreign men, but they either preferred attempting to date Japanese woman or they were already in relationships and such.

Since I've been home, I've gained some weight. But I've started to get back down to my "fighting" weight (my sexy weight...where I am most comfortable in my skin). Which is cool.

OK! So, where does one go to get her groove back?
Who do I turn to??

I watched to latest episode of "Girls" on HBO the other night and found it very amusing.
I really need a steady friend and some one on one TLC....pampering.


xoxo

Thick Thighs

Meet my thighs.

I love the weight of my thighs.

I enjoy having meaty thighs.

I find it hard to have sexy legs if you don't have thighs of substance.

I love it when someone I'm into touches my thighs.

Caressing my thighs is definitely a way to turn me on.

xoxo

Luscious Pieces

There is always that part of our body we find most sexy or most beautiful.
Women who love their legs love to wear shorts and mini skirts.
If you have awesome breast, low-cut tops are always fun.

I know I like low-cut tops. And mini-skirts. I like knee length skirts too.
But I really like my luscious lips:

My luscious lips!

Full.

Soft.

Lips.

Warmth of Friends

I just finished updating my link list.
It was wonderful to see that after 4 years some of my favorite bloggers and website are still up and running. It was like visiting old friends...almost.

Today was beautiful day in Metro DC/MD/VA.
I wanted to go to the Cherry Blossom festival in DC, but I wasn't feeling up to it.
Since being back from Japan, I've put on some weight and I feel very uncomfortable.

I need to focus on my health more. I'm not doing well physically and I must get myself under control before I develop something serious.

But being outside in the warm sun today was nice. I haven't felt so warm and part of life in a longtime.

Baby steps....

After four years in the land of the rising sun, I am back in the USA.

4 years of abstinence.

4 years of celibacy.

Am I in touch with who I am and where I want to be and where I am going?

No.

But I find my gender and my sexuality under more intense scrutiny.

Should I join the fray.

Become a crusader (no matter how big or small).

Let my fleshy self come forth!