Watching paint dry....

Watching paint dry....

And I don’t mean in the artistic sense.

It is very difficult watching your parents age. Their memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. They are no longer able to do the things the once did with ease. Physical changes in the body can be devastating (especially if there is a disease involved).  

Being the child watching is traumatic enough, but I wonder how it feels to actually live through those changes. Is it like going back in time to a point when you need help for everything?

As my father continues to survive cancer, his short term memory gets worse from the chemo. His body is so frail. He sleeps most of the day. These winter months are just debilitating. 

I am just thankful I am able to have him in my life right now and that I can be here to help as much as I can.

Can I catch a break...seriously...

Hello,

Some of this post, I posted from my Art blog...

Art is life. Art is boom. Live the Art.

These are all things Artists (successful Artists) say to those of us struggling in the muck of our creative juices and impulses. “If you aren’t living and breathing your art, then you are not a true Artists.” Unfortunately, in this economy, it is hard to “live and breathe”‘  that Art when you have bills to pay and be accountable too.  You don’t want to just do things for the money, but society is truly set up  to kill the creative spirit. That is how I’ve been feeling lately.

I don’t know if  I mentioned this before, but my mom had surgery recently. She is recovering..luckily my sister was able to take some time off to help. But for the past week, it has been me with both parents and it can get very frustrating and stressful. Considering my own back and stress issues….yeah.   Finding the energy and will to complete projects is difficult. Finding the time to really flesh all I want to flesh out is just vexing.

I've been really stressing out since my bank has frozen my account over an overdue bill. I really have no way of paying that much right now and I just need a break either some more people donating to my gofundme page or buying my jewelry and paintings. I know that everyone is hurting all over the world, but this is really disastrous for me.  My family can only support me so much and as long as I don't have the funds for this one larger bill, my smaller bills I can keep up with are falling behind. This is not a good look. So if anyone sees this and can help out, I'd really appreciate it.

xoxo

Brief Update.

Hello,

I posted this to my Tumblr too....just fyi:

So,  it has been a week since my Mom's knee replacement surgery. She is healing well but being impossible. She doesn't like the pain and discomfort even with the pain meds, but she also doesn't like how the pain meds make her groggy and sleepy. Thus she is being difficult about taking her pain meds. Thank Goddess my sister is here to help out.

My sis stayed with my mom while she was in the hospital while I took care of Dad at home. Now we are all in the house and it is exhausting between dealing with my Mom and Dad. But we are holding it down, keeping it going. The stress is physically painful for me but I am managing..

I haven't had much time to myself to think about things or create work. 

Last night, we had Chinese takeout. My fortunate cookie read Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.  What the hell kinda of fortune is that. 

I need to take three Aleve a day, at once to get any pain relief.

The Rain is Staying...

Well, fall is making it's presences known.
It has been very cool and damp for many days.
I've been taking it easy, trying not to stress to much about life.

This is my dog, Peppi.

We got him at the animal shelter and he is the best furbaby! I truly love him to pieces.
He is so full of life and personality. Anyways, with this chilly weather he has to wear sweaters and such and he is quite cute.

I've been painting sunny landscapes of late. Here are two of those:

I have a thing for green fields, hills, and mountains. I like playing with a sense of movement and journey...or something like that.

My feet are the root, they keep me grounded. They move me. 

~K

Crazy Dreams are Crazy!

Hello,

Oh the weird dreams I have been having lately.
They have involved zombies,wild animals in my backyard, crazy adventures.

The weather of late has been quite chilly, but very fall like. It is supposed to be rainy for the next two days or so. I was able to get a nice sweat jacket with a hood as well as pair leisure pants...ya know, for lounging.

What should I have lunch?

Could use a stiff drink

Hello,

Today was not a great day. In fact, the my days seem to get worse with a cooling weather. I was very sluggish and lethargic. I don't feel very much like myself as well as not liking myself.

I've been angry a lot recently. It is because of my unspeakable secret. It just looms over me. I'm  in so deep, but I just need a lucky break....

I got a letter from on of my creditors. The one I owe the most too (and it is biggie!)
They want to garnish my non existent wages. They claim to have contacted my employer and know that I am gainfully employed. I'd like to know who this employer is....
This letter was in all caps too. Like, really...trust if I had a nice paying job, that bill would have been taken care of. All my creditors seem to think I'm some old white dude hiding funds in the Cayman's or something. I wish! Nope, I am very much broke and I hate having to think about that. Thank goodness I have a supportive family who won't let me suffer in the cold.

They believe in me, so  suppose, I should believe in me too...but it is hard in this society.   fear another creditor may try to take my old ass car. Like, that is gonna help my situation.
I've always had an issue with finance, when I was going into college I wasn't as savvy as some folks and now my life is a mess.

My mother wanted to know if I was taking anything for my thyroid condition (the fact that it was irradiated many moons ago). I told her I am taking a supplement, but without insurance, I am not taking an "medication" for it. Sucks to be me. She commented that I seem so angry. I'm angry because I am anxiously awaiting the other shit storm/shoe to drop regarding my lack of money. I pray on it everyday, for some sort of relief...but time is running short. No options are left, really...

I am hoping for ACA to become available in October so I can at least get some health care. I can't remember the last time I saw a doctor. I probably dying of some disease and don't know it.

So, yeah..my life is sucking. I have a hard time creating.
I'm always angry and sad.....
and I could use a stiff drink.

~K

Motorcycle Stunt Fun!

Hello,

I often have wild, crazy dreams.
Last night was no exception.
In my dream, a friend had talked into doing a motorcycle stunt for a rave she was hosting in a warehouse. The warehouse was like a Lowes/Home Depot and was full of empty shelving. Anyways, so the motorcycle stunt was to have my ride the motorcycle, jump off of it, and through a the hoop of a child's basketball net.  For some reason, I agree to this stunt. Now, I tell my friend I have never driven/riden a motorcycle before, she tells me not to worry about it and that i'll "figure it out."

On the night of the party, we go to set up the stunt and I find out that I am now the opening act, instead the mid party entertainment. This means I perform first. I was frustrated because that meant I wouldn't be as prepared as I would like to have been. So I put on my costume which is a neon green tight tank top, black pants, and neon green stiletto heels. The costume is to match my motorcycle. And for some reason, in my dream I have all this long, flowing hair and I'm trying to style it in a ponytail high on my head (my sister is there to help). I put on my mascara and I start to mentally plan the stunt.

I'm walking the "route" and  notice that the shelves are blocking a direct route to the kiddie hoop. But the party is starting soon and I have to get on the bike and ready myself.

So, the host of this party starts to introduce me and my stunt and I'm revving the motorcycle. Someone behind me hands me a helmet. I remember thinking, "thank god! I almost did this thing without a helmet!" So, I put on the helmet and the host is making a face at me to just go already. I pull off and almost fall off the bike, but I recover and I speed done the aisle, and somehow manage to jump off the bike and through the hoop.

People are cheering and clapping. I don't land on my feet and I have cracked a toenail and it is bleeding, but I am happy I am alive. I don't know how I did it.

The party starts and music is pumping and I'm mingling with the crowd (heading toward my special VIP section) when this tall tattooed, pierced white guy comes up to me and says,"That was awesome! Maybe we can hangout later and you can play with my guts!" I tell him that is gross and that we can hang out but I don't play with guts. Then I continue toward my VIP section picking several folks to come hang with me during the party.

Then I wake up.
Crazy dream, right?!

Harvest Moon, September, Time for a Change

I have one too many blogs.

I still like this blog and I want to do something interesting with it.
So, I've decided I'm going to be making some changes in my life and I will chronicle them here.

I will post about my feelings, my body, my soul, my life.
The good, the bad, the ugly. Why?...why not!?

Seriously, I made this decision because I have a lot to tell about my life and maybe some one will find my blog interesting and comforting and funny and sad. It is real, it is life. You don't find too many older bloggers that just blog about what it is like being a person approaching midlife and still not feeling settled. Or how to live with and deal with aging parents, and chronic illness...

About me, I am a black woman.
I am a daughter.
I am an Artist.
I am a Storyteller.

Glad to share myself with you.

Porn Training Center

Hello,

I must share this wacky dream I had the other night. I dreamt of "Porn Training  Center."
Basically, this place is school on how to perform in porn movies. I don't think I was student but I was given a tour of the facility.

There was a floor just for BDSM, there was an all girls wing, and all sorts of places to practice. The practice area for BDSM floor was like gymnasium. The all girls wing practice area reminded of dance studio/spa

The majority of the faculty and staff were white (of course), but they were very excited at the idea of having a black woman join the school as a student.  The woman on the All Girls area were very happy to see me and wanted to participate in one the classes. They kept urging me to take my top off and join them on Girl on Girl make out practice session. There was also a class on oral sex and fisting going on in the same area.

On the BDSM floor, the tour guide wanted to know if I would be interested in training to be a Dominatrix. Then things get a little fuzzy in the dream.

---------------------------

Rise and shine, just waking up or just going to sleep....

Fat Tuesday...

Mardis Gras!
Happy Mardis Gras!!

Oh, I feel like this year is slipping by.
So many wonderful celebration days have come and gone so quickly.
The Lunar New Year, Mardis Gras, Valentine's Day.

The other day, I started looking through some old photos...15 or 20 years old.
I wish I knew then what I know now about life, love, and myself.

I wasted so much time on unworthy people, trying to fit some mold and be someone I wasn't. My youth was wasted. After looking at the photos, I became very blue and maudlin about life. I started questioning who I was and what I am doing now; questioning the meaning of my life and how I fit into this world.

xoxo

Feeling a little blue...

Hello,

I know I wait so long to post again.
Not that my life is so interesting, sometimes I just don't know what to say.

It is a New Year, which means it is time for a fresh perspective.
I work very hard to stay positive. Keeping my chin up when I want to crawl into a hole
and die.

I want my free spirit back.
I want to be in that happy place where I felt good about things.
I'm tired of always thinking about despair.

Let me be surrounded by beautiful people and beautiful things,
warm hearts and kind words.

I will repair my damaged wings and take flight and soar above it all.

This is my body.

The container for my soul.

It carries my heart,

It carries my spirit.

It is solid but easily broken.

I have lived in this place for many years,

I hope to live in here for many more.

We have been through a lot together,

and I cherish and relish this earthly vessel.

It has served me well,

we will survive.

My body is beautiful,

it is mine.

It is fine.

xoxo,

~K

Happy New Year

Well, Hello!!!
Happy New Year!
Happy 2013!!

Time to embark on a new adventure, head down a new path.
But what do you do when a familiar face or two keep peeking from around the trees,
whispering to you through the reeds?
You know the voice all too well.
There is a hint of temptation, contemplation.

This is the year to make it so.
To ascend and go higher than ever before.
Grab your magic camper and get ready for the ride.

Be bold.
Be alive!

xoxo,
~K