Oh, it has been a rough week or so.
The holidays were lovely. Being with my family was sweet; it was swell.
But the meltdown has started. Meltdown, breakdown...whatever...
I shall forever regret the day I replaced those scale batteries.
Damn It!
I am on tumblr a lot these days. And following in one of my favorite blogger's footsteps let me just say I am coming out....coming out as fat!
I mean, I've always been a bigger girl. I didn't appreciate my body enough in my early 20's when I was a wonderful 150lbs. That would be dream today. I got a thyroid illness and slowly but surely ballooned up to 200lbs (it took a while because throughout my 20's I was fairly active). I went to Japan, dropped some weight..because depressed and had to come home...and gained that weight back plus more...was ill/depressed started loosing again..praying I would get back down to 200lbs (oh, I'd give anything to be that size again) only start gaining weight again..
In anycase, by the end of Thanksgiving this year I was topping at just a hint over 250lbs.
I felt like dying. My body had betrayed me. It happens to women in my family..we hit a certain age and all hell breaks loose. I thought by not having kids I would delay the weight creep...but no.
I don't date because I don't feel I am worth it. Plus I can be a handful. A person can only deal with rejection so many times before you just quit.
I wish I could be 10 years younger. I'd know to really appreciate those years and my beauty. I would believe in myself more. Have better friends..instead of pandering to a people who never wanted to know who I really was.
So yeah, I am feeling extra sad and extra fat. Extra unaccomplished. I just keep running as fast again and I get nowhere fast. Perhaps it is time for yet another reboot...
